What To Study?

I’m in my last year of school and the moment I think about next year, I’m freak out. I don’t know which study I’ll choose yet, but I do know to which city I’ll go and you know what? It’s two and a half hours away from home…

Maybe you’re thinking: “Why will you study in a city so far away when you’re already freaking out right now?” Well, believe me, I’m wondering this so often. But for me, this city doesn’t really feel so far away, because my grandparents live about thirty minutes from there. So this means that whenever I have a mental breakdown or I just feel lonely, I can always crash there.

Of course this doesn’t make it less scary for me. It’s two and a half hours from home, which means I just can’t go home whenever I want. And I really wished that I could go to a university less far away, but the thing is, I live in a deserted part of my country and the nearest university is already more than an hour away. Besides, I just can’t feel like home there, because this city is immensely big (in terms of the Netherlands, off course) and I don’t know anyone there. Then I would rather choose an university farther away to home and closer to my grandparents instead of being alone in a big unknown city. Besides, the city where I want to go is one of the smallest University cities in my country and that is another thing I really like about it. I don’t want these big cities with noices all day long and I also don’t want chaotic cities. I can never get used to Amsterdam and that’s why I hate going there (sorry!).

So, I’ve figured out to which city I want, but I just don’t know which study I want to choice. Over the past few years I’ve been to a lot of Open University Days, but a lot of these studies just didn’t feel right for me. A few months ago I visited, for example, European Law. I’ve always wanted to help people and I really liked this bachelor program, so for a long time I was absolutely sure I wanted to study this, until I figured out that this was just to serious for me. I would have to read law books and that’s not what I wanted.When I read books, I want to read books I like.

Later on, I visited History. I’ve always loved history, but I was never really sure if I wanted to make my profession out of it. So after a while this idea was also put away.

Yesterday I visited English. To be honest, I really liked it, but there’s only one problem. I’m so not good at English on school, so I’m not really sure if this will be a problem when I’m going to study English. On the other hand, I love reading and writing in English. It’s a reason why I started this blog, I wanted to improve my English and I would love to study English, just to improve it and to sound like a native speaker. One thing I really loved about yesterday, was the fact that there were so many people with the same interests. Everyone loved reading or writing. So this really made me feel like: yeah, this might be something for me. But unfortunately I’m still not sure

Because I still don’t know what I really want to do, I’m also thinking about taking a gap year. To be honest, I won’t even mind. Right now I’m just feeling so bad about everything, that I won’t even mind if I didn’t make it this year. Of course I would also leave school next year, even if I didn’t get my diploma, because right now I hate my school so much, I refuse to stay here another year. So when I don’t make it, I’ll go to a school for adults. 

Even if I do make it, I’m thinking about a year of. Right now I don’t really mind. I’ll take a job somewhere and I’ll save already for the next year. Maybe I’ll also take a vacation or whatever comes on my way. But would this year really be thrown away if I decided to take a gap year? I don’t think so, but I often hear other people say it is. 

The main reason why I would personally take a gap year, is to have some more time for myself. Finally I could really do things I like. I could finally work on my book and finish it, I can read every night, and for once I don’t have to stress about school. Sometimes I’m really getting sick of everything. It’s always school, school, school. I even had to learn most of the time these past two holidays. And I know that if I go to an University, it will be exactly like this again. But don’t get me wrong, I want to study more, I want to get further. It’s just that I think it’s enough for now and I just need some more time for myself. Maybe that’s also the reason why I couldn’t make a decision yet… I don’t know…

Anyway, life is really difficult, especially when you don’t know what you want yet… But I’ll let you know which decision I’ve made. Oh and if you have any tips for me, I’ll be very glad to hear from you. 

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